Intimidation

Anyone who tells you that they have never been intimidated is lying, plain and simple. Perhaps they have another word for it, but they’ve been in a situation where they accepted less than they deserved for fear of attention, retribution, appearance, or just plain uncertainty. We’ve all been there and we need to minimize our journeys into this zone where we allow others to take advantage of our momentary weaknesses.

Intimidation is an act that occurs only because one party allows it. That party being the individual cowed into a position of surrender. I cannot intimidate you without your permission and participation. Any attempt on my part to intimidate you is fruitless absent your cooperation. Without it, I’m out of luck. I may want to intimidate someone, but am disappointed should they refuse to play along.

With that in mind, look back and select those instances where you’ve been intimidated. Perhaps at work by a superior or, worse yet, a subordinate. How about as a customer dealing with a less-than-competent clerk. Intimidation can be seen within family units, too, as never-ending power struggles are waged between spouses, siblings, and anyone resting upon a limb of the family tree. Many of us are intimidated by officials (police, judges, politicians, etc.), but there is no real need for this based simply upon the fact that they represent authority. The question, though, is how to avoid being intimidated in these situations.

Well, how about learning to recognize them in the first place? When you expect someone to behave in a specific way and they show no interest in cooperating, they sometimes resort to an intimidating posture in the hopes that you will lower your demands. The posture may be body language, facial expression, tone of voice, or choice of words. Regardless, if the response leaves you on the defensive and beginning to think that you’re in the wrong place at the wrong time and asking for the wrong thing, you’ve been intimidated. Usually, these instances are acknowledged in the middle of the night when we sit up in bed and say, “You know what I should have said?” or “I should have done this or that”.

This realization, albeit ill timed, leads us to be better prepared to deal with similar instances in the future. Call it visualization if you wish, but being ready for someone that would rather you go away is essential in resisting the intimidation that precludes your early disengagement. Older folks have gained the reputation of being cranky or grouchy. I submit it is only their readiness to strongly oppose any and all attempts to intimidate them into a position of settling for less. They’ve heard all the excuses and have an arsenal of arguments ready to stymie those that would rather not. Hooray for them! Alright, hooray for us!

One common statement I’ve heard is the one that describes me as intimidating and, as a result, suggests that I am to blame for the problem. We’ve already established that I can intimidate no one without their permission, but the statement serves to change the subject from the matter at hand to my demeanor. Mission accomplished if you’re the clerk, subordinate, relative, or anyone else wanting to avoid a discussion of your failure to accommodate my request.

I urge you to stay strong in the presence of “You want me to do what?” or “I just started working here today.” or “That’s not my department.” or “I’m in charge. Why are you questioning my authority?” These are all phrases intended to intimidate you into either changing your request or going away altogether. And if you do, welcome to world of intimidation. For no good reason, you have altered your expectation. Are there times when a realignment of a request is in order? Of course. But in those instances, there is no angst growing within you. You’ve simply changed the scope of your demands to fit within the parameters that exist. You don’t go to a restaurant and expect an oil change, do you? Sometimes we ask without having all the facts and sometimes those facts change our perspective. Nothing wrong with that. No intimidation; just the readjustment of expectation based on rational thought.

This kinder, gentler approach to society has created a politically correct atmosphere where most everyone is afraid of making any demand upon anybody for fear of offense of some sort. This only ensures a slow degradation of the quality of our lives simply because we choose flight over fight. Review your requests and if they are reasonable, for god’s sake stick to your guns. And should you choose to seek out the individual responsible for your intimidation, you need look no further than the nearest mirror.