I’ve made no secret of my aversion to Christmas newsletters that invariably show up within perfectly acceptable holiday cards. I’ve wondered of late, though, why corporate Christmas newsletters are rare, if not entirely unheard of. Perhaps it is due to the current state of corporate mentality and, as evidence, I submit an entirely fictitious holiday newsletter from American Airlines to its employees. Why American? Well, I’m quite familiar with the corporation and its recent foray into bankruptcy makes for a logical candidate. Unfortunately, I can’t help but think that most, if not all, corporate executives have similar viewpoints.
Dear Fellow Employees,
It’s that time of year again and there is much to cover as 2011 proved to be quite eventful. We started off with a new greeting (We’re Glad You’re Here) and couldn’t help but think that this new verbiage would make a big difference in our bottom line.
And, boy, did we grow! Not in the traditional way by hiring and expanding from within: that would take too long. So, just like adoptive parents, we entered into agreements with Japan Air Lines, WestJet, Qantas, AirBerlin, and Cathay Pacific while expanding our ongoing relationships with British Airways, Iberia, and, of course, our friends at American Eagle. And Presto! We’ve grown by leaps and bounds without adding one single employee to our close-knit family here at AA.
We also handed out awards for improved customer service like they were going out of style. It’s hard to imagine how stations could improve what with a well paid, highly motivated group of employees ever confident in the course we’ve chosen to guarantee continued success. Nevertheless, many found a way to “do more with less” and that’s what family is all about. We look forward to the day when they’ll be able to do everything with nothing.
There were some challenges, too: bad weather and resulting cancellations, lawsuits with Sabre and other online ticket agencies looking for ways to poison the special, lucrative association we enjoy with would-be passengers and, of course, continued quarterly losses. Jeez, you’d think that we were trying to lose money! It’s not our fault, you know. High fuel prices, competition, and other unforeseen events conspired against our tried and true formula for profitability (maintained over the past decade or so).
No family is without black sheep and there is always a relative or two that seems to upset the apple cart whenever possible. And some of our pilots filled that role nicely when many chose to retire in September and October. We can’t think of any good reason why they would choose to leave the AA family behind, but leave they did. And they asked for their retirement in one large lump sum as if we couldn’t be trusted to dole out their pensions in a monthly annuity. Such mistrust threatens the core of any family and we are no different.
So, with only a paltry sum $4.5 billion in our account, we sought the help of a family counselor. Yes, some would call him a bankruptcy judge, but what good is served with such harsh words? We can now turn this challenge into an opportunity as we realize that we can all share good times with fellow employees much longer than ever envisioned. And we’re happy to announce that some of our family will be able to spend more time with their families as we readjust our workforce.
Better yet, just last week we gained FAA approval to use iPads in the cockpit! This will allow our pilots to remove much weight from their kit bags and ease the stress and strain on their backs. This will come in quite handy as medical benefits are reduced. We’re also looking at removing transportation from employee parking lots to the terminals. What better way to stay in shape than a brisk walk before settling in for a rewarding day’s work? And who doesn’t enjoy a stroll at the end of a day?
Much like every corporate family, we lost several of our top executives just as the holiday season got under way. We wish them luck as they’ve chosen to pursue other opportunities. Now some may say that is fancy talk for axed, canned, fired, or ousted but these leaders deserve much better than such negative words after giving their all. Heck, had we not paid them handsomely and lavished them with benefits and perks we would have been unable to retain them for this long. Who knows what perils we would have faced without their stewardship. Their replacements have been chosen from within the AA family because we feel that no one knows us better than those raised from within. Kind of like inbreeding, if you will, but who better to trust?
As you can see, we’ve come far this year and look forward to another year with everyone in the AA family. Some family members from the Senior Executive branch will be enjoying the holiday at our London “getaway apartment”. Alas, it may be our final Christmas there as some claim it is an unaffordable luxury. We hope, though, that we can convince our creditors that such environs lead to creative solutions that we regularly employ in our day-to-day decisions to maximize success. After all, where would you be without us?
Happy Holidays!
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